


What Really Happened 2.0, or How Aziraphale Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Porn

by violet_quill



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Livejournal Blackout, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-05
Updated: 2010-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-13 01:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violet_quill/pseuds/violet_quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What, you didn't really think that LJ could be this stupid on their OWN did you? Come on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Really Happened 2.0, or How Aziraphale Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Porn

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by STRIKETHROUGH '07 on Livejournal. It is a sequel to [What Really Happened, OR How Aziraphale Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Fandom](http://archiveofourown.org/works/131542) about the Livejournal blackout of 2005.
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://violet-quill.livejournal.com/337254.html).

"Okay," said Aziraphale. "That's it."

Crowley glanced up. He was sitting in the bookshop, his feet propped up on a stack of the assorted works of E.M. Forster. He'd been under the impression that they were about to go to the park to kill time and feed the ducks.1 "What have I done this time?"

"This." Aziraphale pushed back his chair and pointed to the computer screen.2

Crowley squinted as Aziraphale scrolled down a page of comments of something called LJ Biz. "Am I supposed to be reading this or just looking at the cute little cat macros? Look! That one's in a _ceiling_!"

Aziraphale glared. "Don't play dumb with me, Crowley. After that mess a couple of years ago with the blackout, you can't expect me to believe that you had nothing to do with _this_."

Crowley tipped his glasses forward and peered over top of them at the computer screen. "Oh, this. Come on, angel, don't you have a sense of humor?"

"I don't think that the people commenting in all these posts think it's very funny."

Crowley put his glasses back in place and leaned back in his chair again, looking smug. "No, what I think it's funny is that _I'm_ on the side of the well-wishing company trying to abide by the law and _you're_ on the side of the child pornographers and perverts."

Aziraphale opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then he finally said, "Which I think is more than enough proof of who's in the _right_ on the matter."

"Heaven advocates child porn. I like that. I think I should put that on a bumper sticker or something." 3

"It's not about porn!" Aziraphale snapped. "Especially not child porn. There's a difference between _fiction_ and _reality_ , you know. My side deals with the repressed enough to know that a little fantasy never hurts anyone. And _you're_ the one keeping it gray like this, aren't you? You're stopping them from jumping to one side of the fence or the other. Because you know that as soon as they say 'no more porn full stop', the law will be on their side and fandom will have to acquiesce and just move somewhere else."

"Which wouldn't be nearly as fun as watching them tear each other apart while still on Livejournal," Crowley said cheerfully. "You think Sam sent them a fruit basket _this_ time?"  4

Aziraphale pulled out his electric kettle and plugged it in. Almost violently, in fact. It sparked.

"You're getting angry," Crowley said. "You make tea to calm your nerves. What's wrong, now that Pornish Pixies is all locked up you can't find anything to wank to?"

"I'm just annoyed that as the centuries march on you keep finding new and shiny mediums to spread discord," said Aziraphale as he pulled down the cannister of tea leaves.

"Nah, I think you're annoyed that you've accidentally found yourself on the side of the porn," Crowley disagreed. "Tell me, did you see the picture that Ponderosa was banned for? Did it _titillate_ you, angel? You know, the offer still stands. I could be the Snape to your - "

"Perfectly without a doubt over the age of consent Harry!" Aziraphale squeaked, then started spooning tea leaves into the pot as his face turned bright red.

Crowley laughed. "Well if I'd picked some art where there was _actually_ underage participants, it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. Come on, admit it. This was a well-orchestrated piece of _art_ , this scheme. Just the right about of push and pull... you think any company's PR department in the history of the world could have handled this as badly as I arranged for theirs to? It was _amazing_. By the way, certain high profile Livejournal employees don't even exist. They're just puppets I've been tossing about."

"Goatpuppets?" muttered Aziraphale.5

"Hey, I like that! Goatpuppets... Also, I've got a demonic troll keeping tabs on their Terms of Service. Look." Crowley waved his hand, and a smoky image appeared in front of them. A tiny, hunched over troll clinging to a small chest with the words "LJ TOS" emblazoned on the lid.

"Is it secret?" Crowley demanded. "Is it safe?"

"Oh yes, master," whined the troll. "No one will ever be reading its contents, master..."

"Good work," said Crowley. He waved his hand again, and the image disappeared.

"Crowley..." Aziraphale sighed.

"Oh, come on, angel. Since when do you have such an attachment to little gay wizards?"

"It's not about the porn, Crowley! It's about - about bait and switch and deception and cultivating an atmosphere of fear... I mean, perfectly legitimate, _non_ -porn communities are shutting down. Look at Hogwarts Today! That was a great publication, very useful with getting the word out about various news items, and aiding discussion and debates..."

"And helping people find their porn," Crowley added.

Aziraphale poured tea into a cup and brandished it menacingly at Crowley before realizing that it probably wouldn't make a very good weapon, so he took a sip instead.

"In any case," Crowley continued, "I suppose you've been getting in there and trying to help?"

"I started Innocence Jihad," Aziraphale muttered. "I also might have planted the idea seed for that open letter in Bubble Blunder..."

"Oh yeah? Well I made sure that the deletions came down right in time for Prophecy weekend so that most of the HP fen would be out of town."

"I reminded everyone about alternative journal sites again."

"I sent one of my puppet employees to mock fandom in an open forum."

"I encouraged people to stop posting cat macros and start posting reasoned, well-informed complaints."

"And then I went back to them and said, ooooh but look how much better you could say it with a cat macro!"

Aziraphale glared.

"Ruffled your feathers did I?" Crowley asked with a smirk.6

"Well at least tell me this, Crowley. _Why_ did you do it? I thought you liked all the smut!"

"You're the one who said it's not about smut."

"Oh, just shut up and answer the question."

He shrugged. "It was fun. And besides, Ponderosa had it coming."

Aziraphale wrinkled his nose in confusion. "Huh?"

"All that gorgeous art! The hot man-on-man action. Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, anime... and not a single sketch of _me_."

Aziraphale blinked.

"That's right, nothing of me! Look at me, angel, I'm a perfect specimen of manly beauty! Just think of what she could have drawn... angel and demon, naked and entwined, black wings unfurled against white..."

" _Angel_ and demon?" Aziraphale's mouth dropped open.

Crowley smirked. "You were the one spouting off about the difference between fiction and reality."

"Well, you're... that's just..." Aziraphale sputtered.

Suddenly, Crowley's cell phone rang. "Just a moment," he said sweetly, and flipped it open.

"Six Apart corporate headquarters," he answered.

At that, Aziraphale stood up, picked up the kettle of boiling water, and poured the contents into Crowley's lap.7

"I'm going to go organize a great fandom migration," Aziraphale huffed as Crowley dropped his phone and howled in pain.

"Fine!" Crowley snapped, waving a hand in front of his crotch. "You know, I'll bet one of those perverts is slashing us right now!"

Aziraphale blanched, but just walked out the door.

TO BE CONTINUED8

 

1\. Crowley for one preferred to kill both time and ducks, but Aziraphale usually kept a close eye on him.

2\. Aziraphale was the first angel in the history of the universe to own a computer. He had it set up beside the register of the bookshop, which was basically a desk anyway since he very rarely sold anything.

3\. Crowley has a surprisingly large amount to do with the bumper sticker business.

4\. He in fact, did not, but he did [offer them some sound advice](http://copperbadge.livejournal.com/1389128.html), which is perhaps better than fruit.

5\. Aziraphale had to grudgingly admit that Crowley had at least taught Livejournal _one_ important lesson during this mess - when making official statements, use a [goatpuppet](http://slashdot.org/~herejackback/journal/178719) journal.

6\. It did not, in fact, take a lot to ruffle Aziraphale's figurative feathers these days. It didn't take a lot to ruffle his literal feathers either - just a brisk breeze.

7\. Thus proving that tea _could_ in fact be an effective weapon, if wielded properly.

8\. Obviously this story is still ongoing, as Crowley continues to terrorize fandom by making LJ continued to [spout out even more pointless policies](http://violet-quill.livejournal.com/337040.html). But here's hoping that Aziraphale will succeed in thwarting him. And as a reward, there will be naked angel/demon entwining, and yes, that means sex. They're about 8000 years old, am I allowed to talk about that on LJ?

Authorial Insertion: I think that everyone should now write/draw about Aziraphale and Crowley having sex. After all, they're certainly not underage, and what could be more artistic than the union of angel and demon? (Maybe it could distract Crowley long enough to stop this nonsense...)


End file.
